Whod you bang
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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