4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
