my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
