I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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