The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He passed out mid-signature
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
