i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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