Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
