She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
