every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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