That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
