just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
