my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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