every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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