Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
