I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
