Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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