I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
