you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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