Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
