i love accidental penises.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
