got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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