cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Someone came in the potted fern
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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