Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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