Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am one with the molecules
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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