Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
