i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
