dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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