Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
