Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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