I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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