In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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