I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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