if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
