I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
