'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
