What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
