this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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