So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Randomize
