I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Randomize
