Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
That reminds me...we need to get swords
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
