That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
