My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
