this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
