you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She bit a glass in half.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
