wanna go halves on a baby?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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