Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
