There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I think my moral compass just broke
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
