but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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