LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
