On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
