shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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