I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
