I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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