I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
