I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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